Hot In Tehran

WTF is going on here? I was just taking a look at some of the visitor stats. First off, let me back up a step. A lot has changed in the Blogger world since I stopped posting here in 2008. There are all kinds of crazy charts and graphs and statistics available. For example, I know what kind of operating systems and browsers you are viewing me on. 3 people checked out the site on an iPad? Holy crap, we've hit the bigtime! Perhaps if it was some super-cool hipster reading about my Facebook Sh*tlist in a trendy NYC coffee shop. Wow, isn't technology cool? And borderline invasive? See the pie chart below:



OK, so back to my original topic: Visitor stats and pageviews by country…..USA: 179. That sounds about right. Next down on the list IRAN???? 14 views? Do they even HAVE the internet in Iran? (They do have the internet, right?)




Who the hell is reading this site from Iran? Any why? I feel like I'm a pawn in some Middle Eastern plot to take over the good 'ol USA. "We can't get Facebook accounts ourselves, so we will analyze this jerk's random observations about Facebook. And look into his movie reviews as well, he may be on to something." BTW, that guy over there on the right is scaring the crap out of me now just as much as he did when I saw him on the Channel 5 10 O'Clock News back in the late 70's.

Iranian blog visitors, I say identify yourselves now! At the very least, click on some of our fine sponsors like On Demand or Chase Blueprint.

Uh oh, I have a theory: Maybe the traffic is coming from some dopey American tourists who were caught hiking and are now imprisoned by Iranian officials. Perhaps they are checking out the site via a hidden blackberry for a much-needed laugh before the inevitable. If this is the case, we want to help you. Send us a code: Type "Bulstrode & Skarloey" in the comments section. I'll make sure an elite crack commando team is deployed to spring you out of captivity. Yes, we're sending Mr. T.

Slightly related question: Where in the hell is New Caledonia?

One last thing: Tax time is here. If you've done your returns, cash your check, go to Baskin Robbins and buy as much Tax Crunch ice cream as you can. This is not a joke, this has to be the best ice cream I've ever eaten. And the girl behind the counter will not tell you otherwise.

Today's post is sponsored by McGuiness Brand Artificial Dog Testicles. When it comes to fake dog testes, McGuiness makes the bestees.

Top 10 Most Vapid Facebook Posts

I'm so bummed. I was pretty much off Facebook. Then I got a Droid smartphone and somehow I got sucked back in to this miserable time waster. Now granted, a lot of you creative folks post interesting things: Artwork, videos, photos, photos of models (thank you) And as for you jokesters, I find some of your observations from the grocery store, workplace and funeral home hilarious.

But outweighing the good content is a copious amount of "I'm compelled to post something even though it really isn't compelling" posts. In the words of a young Debora Van Valkenburg, "You Warriors don't show me much."

So today we're turning up the nasty meter with a top ten list of posts that made me go, "Huh? Did this really need to be written?"

Just remember when you're typing up your words to blast off into the inter-sphere, I'm taking notes. And I'm certainly burning a few bridges here, but you don't make people laugh without pissing off a few of your friends.

Here we go:

10. Great day today Ohhhhhhh, good for you. As for me, I got about 43 minutes of sleep thanks to a crying & pooping newborn and a two year old who is scared of Shrek.

9. looking forward to the weekend!!! I don't need any hump day, TGIF or similar updates. If I wanted to get excited about the weekend I would listen to the music of Rebecca Black.
8. U-C-O-N-N! D-O-N-T C-A-R-E
7. Just took my first ever yoga class! Really? And this was posted by a guy!
6. Getting ready for my crazy week… How crazy? Who are you, Prince?
5. Definitely a hot chocolate morning. Now this is something I would keep to myself rather than announcing via the internet. I could see "Definitely a jaeger shot morning" or "time for some cat tranquilizers", but not this.
4. Anyone knowledgeable or interested in beekeeping? Haha, just kidding, this post is f*cking fantastic!
3. So excited about my homemade oatmeal cookies… I feel like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club: "Gee honey, isn't life swell?"
2. NCIS! NCIS! Wait, what? The TV show? Like the one my 66 year old parents watch? OK, let me try: "HARRY'S LAW! HARRY'S LAW!"
1. Ugh……this day is going by so slow. Last-minute entry, just had to throw it in to round out my list.

Now before everyone gets all bent out of shape, I'm just horsing around. But if you recognize your post and are offended, feel free to "de-friend" me. I won't mind. I see Facebook like a weight thing: I like to keep it around an even 300.

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